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Oh, the Shame

Oh, the Shame

IMG_2549I should be ashamed of myself.

I mean, really.  My purse is an absolute abomination.  No one should be able to look into an innocent bag that they carry on their shoulder and find the things that I have in there.  No one should be able to fit the kinds of things I fit in there.  There should be permits to carry a purse and once I get mine, it should be immediately revoked. Revoked, I say!

It is common knowledge that moms carry bags that can hold the whole world. Or at least 14 items per child, plus an emergency meal packed for that picky kid in everyone’s family. One time I recall looking for my cell phone and came out with a bag of chicken nuggets. And a pair of shin guards.  And I didn’t recall anyone eating chicken nuggets that day. Or playing soccer. Disturbing.

Last year, Middles stormed into a wild panic as I pulled into the carpool drop-off line just as he remembered it was “Summer Beach” theme day. So what would any respectable mom do in that situation? Yeah, rummage through her purse and pull out a pair of goggles. A pair of goggles. “Put ’em around your neck, babe!” I yelled, as I kicked him out of the car. Ah, another satisfied customer. I believe the eye-roll I received was really his way of saying, “well done, Supermama! If Proverbs 31 was written today, you would be mentioned as a woman prepared for all elementary school theme days (and swim team practice apparently.) Bravo, I say, bravo.” Pretty sure, at least.

So, when I was looking for a pen the other day (by the way, I have five plus a pencil!), I pulled out a long-dead glow stick instead. The fact that I’m walking around with that (since I’m pretty sure it was from our Christmas Eve service–cracked open and accidentally spilled all over one child’s holiday sweater) is a mystery. Why don’t I throw this stuff away? Seriously, where are those permit police?

Just for curiosity’s sake, I dumped the contents of my purse and decided to make a list. Would the items I found be a window into my soul?  Would it enlighten and intrigue?  If so, should I line up therapy pronto?

My list was, um, let’s just say, interesting:

1) Food: 3 packs of gum, 1 box of tic-tacs (Littles’ love language), a Pez dispenser, a protein bar, a fruit leather, a granola bar and one ketchup packet. Girl has to be prepared for those ketchup emergencies.

2)Personal products: 2 different kinds of “sand hanitizers” (it just sounds better that way according to a great 3 year old orator I know), hand lotion, a first aid kit (complete with Phineas and Ferb bandaids, Advil and anti-nausea meds–let’s hear it for the kid who pukes in the car!), 12 crumpled up tissues and some wet wipes. Seriously, I can handle almost any situation involving blood, splinters, vomit and schmutz.

3)Random papers: 1 prescription for contact lenses (that I keep forgetting to fill, even after I washed them down the drain and had to beg the eye doctor to give me a freebie so I could see and not have to wear my glasses around town), measurements for fabric and curtains that I would love to make although I have no earthly idea how to do such a thing, a receipt for repair for my poor Mac that had coffee spilled on it (thanks, Littles–and no, he doesn’t drink coffee) and a recommendation for a dermatologist.

4)My calendar: Yes, I still carry around an old-fashioned, paper calendar to tell me what to do every day. I realize I am a dying breed but I cannot, I will not, put my calendar on my phone. I can’t do it! Don’t make me!

4)Bible study book: I am planning on leading a women’s Bible study in March at our church. I figured it was a good time to start carrying around the book in my purse so I can absorb the contents via clutching it to my side through a layer of leather. That really is the best method.

5)Miscellaneous: 2 preschool art projects (one with paint!), iPod, an array of loose coins (not in the wallet), my cell phone, 2 Legos (only 2?!) and the above mentioned, dead glow stick.

So, there you have it. My good, my bad. My ugly. I’m not gonna lie, once I emptied the stuff out and made a list, most of the junk went right back in where I found it. You never really know when you’re going to need a protein bar, some curtain measurements, all with a side of ketchup.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever found in your purse?


  1. Love it! I have a CTA coin in my wallet. Not only has the Chicago Transit Authority done away with coins, I’ve lived in MI for the past decade. Still can’t believe I’ve never tried to spend it in leiu of a dime. Also, Transformer underpants.

    • Awesome. That coin should stay there forever. The underpants, maybe not so much. :) I’m actually surprised I didn’t have some kid’s underwear in my purse this time. The classic mom purse item.

  2. I was seriously scratching my head wondering why the Transformers needed underpants. Neve mind. I get it now.

  3. Your purse sounds like my purse’s twin sister separated at manufacturing! I am totally all about reading books and bible studies through leather osmosis! I do it all the time. Some things that make their way into my purse recently (and stay awhile before I decide to remove) are socks, a plethora of hair bows–even though my daughters rarely wear them, they feel we must be ready, just in case; birthday candles, a dinner plate–nope, not a paper one either, scissors and scotch tape, and a bottle of salad dressing. Sometimes, when I change purses, I leave things in them that I don’t need that moment in time… Once I pulled out a purse from the back of my closet and found some flip flops I’d been looking for for almost a year! And, Right now, I have a little tulle-wrapped package of jordan almonds from a wedding that I didn’t even attend. I also manage to put every receipt I can lay my hands on inside my purse, and interestingly, when I clean them all out, my purse is so much lighter. How can so much paper be so heavy?

    • You are my purse soul sister. I love that you are carrying around a plate, salad dressing and birthday candles . . . that is one amazing birthday meal you are planning on the go! And total score in finding the flip flops!

  4. Elizabeth M says:

    I envy your readiness for the inevitable emergency….I on the other hand have nothing to save me. wallet, 1 pen, 1 lipstick, hand sanitizer and a hair band. Ooops…when I double checked I did find a church bulletin :-)

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